Monday, September 29, 2008

Hum, hmm, meh. Trapped.?

I've been very up and down in recent weeks (e.g. - eating my 6th fudge poptart of the day).  Personal stuff, politics, economy, all these crazy things going on.  Generally, I feel pretty up, any more, though there are definite down times.  Today, is a down time.  And, the first such time I've still felt like posting.  Is that progress?

Today, I woke up at 1pm.  No.  Actually, I woke up at 6:30am, 7, 8, 8:30, 11, and finally 1pm.  I missed the same two classes (7:45 and 9:30) last week as well.  I also have a 1pm course tuesdays and thursdays, which I have made perhaps half the time.  Now, as most people know my class attendance has never been my strongest suit.  Don't worry - I'm dependable, just maybe not the most disciplined.  Anyhow, whatever to past attendance issues, this is bad.  Grad student, for ____'s sake.

As of 90 seconds ago, I'm having second thoughts about relating this up and down-ness and subsequent poor attendance to the personal stuff. 

My outlook, involvement, interests, passions, etc, have changed quite a bit (I think) in the past several months.  x^2 kind of like.  Where before there was a general disquiet about my degree program, now there is outright disinterest and dismay.  But with student debt being what it is, I don't have a choice at this point.  I just don't.  And so maybe my current depression could be better attributed to this growing dissonance - while the assumed relation to my own personal issues better understood as a cognitive cop-out to avoid recognizing what was, in retrospect (hindsight being 20 20), a poor decision on a degree program.

So, I guess the key question is, can this realization be translated into improved discipline when it comes to classes and classwork?  I mean, for the lord's sake*, I'm a good student and I have one freaking semester left.  I mean, I have 10 weeks left.

My advice to everyone (and my past and future selves):
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

* reference to my future cat.  her name will be 'the lord'

1 comment:

K said...